Sad FPL player
Premier League, Uncategorized

Men everywhere sack off Fantasy League in gameweek one

Men everywhere have sacked off Fantasy Premier League after things went to shit in gameweek one.

28-year-old IT consultant Hugh Deeney spent weeks analysing spreadsheets and reading Fantasy Football Scout before compiling his dream squad ‘In It to Win It’.

However, after amassing a pathetic 24 points in the first round of fixtures, he has already decided to call it a day.

Speaking on his frustration, he said: “I knew it wasn’t my year when De Bruyne was left on the bench against Arsenal – I’m sure Pep wanted to spite me.

“And people talk about Harry Kane’s August hoodoo, but the guy’s a World Cup Golden Boot winner. He was sure to bag, so I made him skipper – a masterstroke. But he just got booked instead.

“It’s all a load of bollocks at the end of the day – a game of luck for people with too much time on their hands. I didn’t care about winning the stupid work league – honestly.”

Sad England fan
World Cup

Normal life has resumed – and it really is quite shit

After a glorious month of beer, barbecues and exceptional football, normal life has resumed – and it really is quite shit.

Just two weeks ago you were piling your Tesco trolley high with beer, burgers and England-themed bunting. But now the dream is up – and life wants its bitch back.

Being hungover at work is frowned upon once more. It’s unacceptable to be pissed at 4pm on a Tuesday. There are no longer three matches a day.

And your other half wants to…talk.

But as you trudge through the banality of a football-less few weeks, fear not brave soldier – a new dawn beckons. It’s name? The Community Shield.

A fat office worker
World Cup

Bloke who can’t touch his toes slams Raheem Sterling’s World Cup performance

A 45-year-old man who doesn’t possess the flexibility required to touch his toes has torn into Raheem Sterling’s World Cup performance.

Dave Best, an IT specialist from Swindon, spent Thursday criticising the athlete to his colleagues – despite breaking a sweat from merely sitting down.

Cornering Barbara from accounts in the kitchen, he said: “That Raheem Sterling just didn’t look fit to me. Either that or he’s lazy.

“He’s alright when he’s got the likes of Kevin De Bruyne and David Silva behind him – but I’d look good with those boys as well.

“He was crap all tournament. Why the hell did Southgate stick with him? He’s been dreadful for England – couldn’t score in a brothel.”

Barbara said: “who’s Ray Starling?”

England fan wakes from dream
World Cup

England fan wakes from the most wonderful dream

An Englishman this morning woke from the most remarkable dream, wherein Germany finished bottom of their group, England won a penalty shootout and summer was actually hot.

52-year-old Jeff Bloom, who has known years consisting only of hurt, was devastated when he woke on the morning of June 14.

Recalling the dream with a grin, he said: “It really was the craziest, stupidest, most wonderful dream.

“The little teams spanked the big ones and Germany were a laughing stock after finishing bottom of their group.

“We won our first game in the last minute, our second by six goals to one and – get this – progressed to the quarters after a penalty shootout.

“Realising the winner takes it all, we then mashed the Swedes without breaking a sweat!

“That’s when we fell in love with Gareth Southgate, who wasn’t just the nation’s favourite son, but its most stylish too – the David Beckham of football management.

“By this point it was 30 degrees, Alan Shearer was singing Lionel Richie into a bread stick and Ross Kemp wasn’t on gangs anymore, but class-A drugs. It was actually quite unsettling.”

World Cup

Future tournaments cancelled after World Cup 2018 reaches footballing enlightenment

FIFA has opted to discontinue the World Cup, following the unprecedented and unbeatable excitement thrown up by Russia 2018.

Over the past two weeks, fully-grown men have been brought to tears by last-minute free-kicks, God-tier half-volleys, nerve-wracking penalty shootouts and a plethora of giant killings.

There has been no sign of those pesky Russian Ultras, either – something for which Vladimir Putin must take great credit (even if he did have to take make decisions that weren’t always…ethical).

And let’s not start on that brilliant bastard VAR: the most infuriating yet entertaining bit of kit since Hasbro’s Bop It Extreme 2.

Shedding light on the decision to scrap future World Cups, a FIFA spokesman said: “Well, it can’t get better than this, can it?

“We were tempted to call it a day as soon as that sweet first tear rolled down Sergio Ramos’ face, but the rest of this beautiful tournament will go ahead as planned.

“For those who, come mid-July, cannot face the reality of life without Russia 2018, we are working on a number of global support groups.

“Alternatively, we suggest buying the official VR experience and simply wasting away in the warm glow of international soccer.”

Man working on Southgate effigy
World Cup

Man sets to work on Gareth Southgate effigy

A Birmingham-based England fan has begun work on his Gareth Southgate effigy following England’s defeat to Belgium on Thursday night.

Mark Davis, 36, felt Southgate should have gone for the jugular instead of making wholesale changes to his side, believing England have now “lost momentum”.

As recently as Sunday he suggested Southgate should be knighted after England’s 6-1 dismantling of Panama. He has also been impressed with the way the manager has “handled the media”, “unified the dressing room” and other such soundbites.

But the loss to Belgium left a sour taste, and it wasn’t long before work began on a highly flammable Southgate effigy.

He said: “I’m absolutely fuming. Football was coming home until that knob left King Harry on the bench.

“If we lose to Colombia he needs to take a long, hard look at himself. There will only be one man to blame.

“If we beat Colombia, he should have the freedom of England.”

“Whatever happens, you can guarantee my emotions will be blown completely out of proportion.”

Lord Alan Sugar and the Senegal team
World Cup

Lord Sugar regrets testing joke on Prince Philip

Lord Alan Sugar regrets using Prince Philip to gauge the quality of his joke, whereby he compared elite Senegalese athletes to Marbella tat salesmen based on the premise they’re both black.

Initially, the businessman wasn’t 100% sure that sharing his joke with Twitter, and in turn the whole world, was a good idea.

But after firing up WhatsApp and sending it to Prince Philip – who claimed it was the funniest thing he’d seen since Prince Harry’s Nazi costume – Lord Sugar was convinced.

He said: “I figured that if Prince Philip – one of the most professional and straight-laced people in the country – thought it in good taste, it couldn’t possibly be offensive. But it turns out I was wrong.

“The main thing I want people to know is, I’m definitely not racist.

“I have Jewish heritage, you know. And we had a lady called Yasmina Siadatan win season five of The Apprentice. Yasmina Siadatan!”