Sad FPL player
Premier League, Uncategorized

Men everywhere sack off Fantasy League in gameweek one

Men everywhere have sacked off Fantasy Premier League after things went to shit in gameweek one.

28-year-old IT consultant Hugh Deeney spent weeks analysing spreadsheets and reading Fantasy Football Scout before compiling his dream squad ‘In It to Win It’.

However, after amassing a pathetic 24 points in the first round of fixtures, he has already decided to call it a day.

Speaking on his frustration, he said: “I knew it wasn’t my year when De Bruyne was left on the bench against Arsenal – I’m sure Pep wanted to spite me.

“And people talk about Harry Kane’s August hoodoo, but the guy’s a World Cup Golden Boot winner. He was sure to bag, so I made him skipper – a masterstroke. But he just got booked instead.

“It’s all a load of bollocks at the end of the day – a game of luck for people with too much time on their hands. I didn’t care about winning the stupid work league – honestly.”

Fred and the gang
Man Utd, Premier League

Fred lured to Old Trafford by promise of prehistoric football

Fred has agreed to join Manchester United following a meeting with Jose Mourinho, who promised he’d feel ‘right at home’ with the side’s prehistoric brand of football.

The much-loved caveman will swap charming Bedrock for the northwest of England, where he hilariously assumed his family would enjoy a greater quality of life.

Not only will he have to ditch great big juicy dinosaur ribs for chicken tikka, he’ll also have to meet Phil Jones – a man whose genetic makeup pales in comparison to his own.

Speaking on the move, Fred yelled: “Me and Jose went bowling at the Trafford Centre and talked everything through.

“He said something about a ‘big club’, which sounded good to me as mine’s pretty worn out from whacking things.

“Now I just need to break the news to the missus – Yabba Dabba Doo!”

Simon Mignolet
Champions League, Liverpool, Uncategorized

Mignolet ‘as shocked as anyone’ to hear Karius’ gloves were buttered

Liverpool outcast Simon Mignolet claims he’s “as shocked as anyone” to learn of the huge quantity of butter found on Loris Karius’ gloves after the Champions League final.

At first it looked an honest, albeit awful, mistake that allowed Karim Benzema to score Real Madrid’s opener, with the ball slipping from Karius’ grip straight onto the sneaky Frenchman’s outstretched leg.

However, by the time Gareth Bale’s strike slipped through the German’s greasy gloves to make it 3-1, it was quite clear: this was sabotage.

No keeper playing at such a high level could be this bad – that much was obvious. But even then, nobody expected a half-empty tub of Lurpak to show up in the Liverpool dressing room.

And a post-match analysis revealed that Karius’ gloves were indeed buttered to fuck.

Speaking to High Sports after the game, Mignolet said: “I’m as shocked as anyone. Butter? That’s really low – despicable.

“All I know is, it definitely wasn’t me. I was in the showers with Alberto Moreno the whole time – you can ask him.”

Premier League

Pardew: ‘You can take the manager out the game, but you can’t take the game out the manager’

With a wink and a flash of his pearly whites, Alan Pardew insisted that while it’s possible to take the manager out of the game, you cannot take the game out of the manager.

The silver fox is every boyfriend, husband and son’s worst nightmare – the sort of man no decent woman should ever meet.

But now, after a season Pardewing West Brom and wisecracking about Harry Kane’s mum, he’s off to Ibiza for a month spent “chasing skirt” – something he’s unquestionably good at.

Speaking to High Sports at the airport, he said: “I think a lot of people lost respect for Pards this season. The main thing is, Alan Pardew still respects Alan Pardew.

“Ultimately, you can take the manager out the game, but you can’t take the game out the manager.”

Pardew and blonde.PNG

Phil Jones' funny faces
Man Utd, Premier League, World Cup

Phil Jones baffled by Phil Jones’ inclusion in England World Cup squad

Manchester United bulldozer Phil Jones says even he cannot make a case for Phil Jones going to the World Cup.

After an erratic display against Chelsea in the FA Cup final on Saturday, pundits and fans alike were left shaken knowing Jones is on the plane to Russia.

His erratic performance was summed up by a first-half demolition job on Eden Hazard, who, knowing the oaf’s immense clumsiness, waited to be scythed down after going through one-on-one with David de Gea.

Jones took the bait, giving Hazard a good wallop after a trademark gurn failed to frighten the Belgian into submission.

When The Post quizzed Southgate on his selection of Jones, he said: “My self-esteem is pretty low, so Jamaal Lascelles was always going to be a hunk too far.

“Jones? He has a face only a mother could love – and that gives us balance.”

Sam Allardyce
Championship, Everton, Stoke, Swansea

Swansea and Stoke batten down hatches as Storm Allardyce nears

Swansea and Stoke are preparing for the worst as Storm Allardyce sweeps the UK in search of a club in crisis.

It appears that previous high-risk outfit West Bromwich Albion acted just in time, instilling the impressive new Moore defence system before the storm hit.

Swansea on the other hand may not be so lucky, having recently decommissioned their Portuguese hardware due to its unpredictable nature.

That said, it is Stoke City who look most vulnerable.

The club tried to repair their affordable (albeit low-performing) Lambert system – but to no avail. And with a plethora of limited but dependable Brits among their ranks (something thought to act as a kind of bait to the storm), the club may soon be neutralised.

Experts believe the only way to deter Storm Allardyce is a financial bribe – though this is unconfirmed and 100% not based on anything that occurred in 2016.

Rooney DC United
Everton, Man Utd, Premier League

MLS move ‘inevitable’ once Rooney discovered US portion sizes

Everton boss Sam Allardyce admits trying to dissuade Wayne Rooney from the MLS – but insists the move was “inevitable” once he’d discovered US portion sizes.

It’s thought Rooney, who is England and Manchester United’s record goalscorer, was initially willing to stay in the Premier League – despite picking up just £150,000 per week.

However, after completely misinterpreting cult documentary Super Size Me last month – a film highlighting America’s junk food problem – Rooney’s mind was made up.

Speaking to Generic Sports News, the forward said: “I’m still hungry for success, and erm, I know there are big, big things waiting for me in the US.

“My gut is telling me it’s the right move.”

Another striker to recently switch England for America is Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Offering his thoughts on the situation, he said, “Zlatan is 37 – still a lion. At 16 Rooney was already hippo.”