Sad FPL player
Premier League, Uncategorized

Men everywhere sack off Fantasy League in gameweek one

Men everywhere have sacked off Fantasy Premier League after things went to shit in gameweek one.

28-year-old IT consultant Hugh Deeney spent weeks analysing spreadsheets and reading Fantasy Football Scout before compiling his dream squad ‘In It to Win It’.

However, after amassing a pathetic 24 points in the first round of fixtures, he has already decided to call it a day.

Speaking on his frustration, he said: “I knew it wasn’t my year when De Bruyne was left on the bench against Arsenal – I’m sure Pep wanted to spite me.

“And people talk about Harry Kane’s August hoodoo, but the guy’s a World Cup Golden Boot winner. He was sure to bag, so I made him skipper – a masterstroke. But he just got booked instead.

“It’s all a load of bollocks at the end of the day – a game of luck for people with too much time on their hands. I didn’t care about winning the stupid work league – honestly.”

Sam Allardyce
Uncategorized, World Cup

Big Sam warns ‘keener’ Southgate not to do anything silly at World Cup – like succeed

Ex-England manager Sam Allardyce has warned “keener” Gareth Southgate not to make him jealous by succeeding at the World Cup – or there will be consequences.

Allardyce signed a two-year deal with the Three Lions in 2016 but threw it away by trying to earn a little extra cash on the side.

By fiddling transfers.

For wealthy Arabs.

Who were actually just a shit newspaper.

Despite his farcical exit, the crook-for-hire is in a league of his own when it comes to statistics, boasting a 100% win rate as England boss.

Allardyce feels this is evidence enough that it is he who should be leading England into the World Cup – not the likeable but undeniably square Southgate.

He said: “I’ll make no bones about it – I’m jealous. I should be holding little Trent to my bosom, not that fucking keener.

“I’ve had a quiet word with Gareth and he knows there’ll be consequences if he takes my boys all the way. I’m as big an England fan as anyone, believe me, but if it’s a tossup between a first World Cup since ’66 and my pride? Well, you know the score.”

Joachim Low sniffing his nuts
Uncategorized

Joachim Löw relishing chance to scratch n sniff on world’s biggest stage

Audacious Germany boss Joachim Löw is making no bones about his excitement for the World Cup, where he intends to put on “one hell of a show”.

The tactician has masterminded some intricate performances over the years, but when it comes to having a whiff of his own balls, he’s a complete novice.

However, since cameras caught him smelling the goods several times at Euro 2016, the dirty bastard has embraced his notoriety – and plans to build on that reputation in Russia.

He said: “I’m extremely excited to perform at the World Cup in front of all those watching eyes. It’s going to be one hell of a show.

“As you know, I used to put the scratching and sniffing down to adrenaline – but now I admit that I just like the smell.

“Everyone enjoys their own brand, right?”

Simon Mignolet
Champions League, Liverpool, Uncategorized

Mignolet ‘as shocked as anyone’ to hear Karius’ gloves were buttered

Liverpool outcast Simon Mignolet claims he’s “as shocked as anyone” to learn of the huge quantity of butter found on Loris Karius’ gloves after the Champions League final.

At first it looked an honest, albeit awful, mistake that allowed Karim Benzema to score Real Madrid’s opener, with the ball slipping from Karius’ grip straight onto the sneaky Frenchman’s outstretched leg.

However, by the time Gareth Bale’s strike slipped through the German’s greasy gloves to make it 3-1, it was quite clear: this was sabotage.

No keeper playing at such a high level could be this bad – that much was obvious. But even then, nobody expected a half-empty tub of Lurpak to show up in the Liverpool dressing room.

And a post-match analysis revealed that Karius’ gloves were indeed buttered to fuck.

Speaking to High Sports after the game, Mignolet said: “I’m as shocked as anyone. Butter? That’s really low – despicable.

“All I know is, it definitely wasn’t me. I was in the showers with Alberto Moreno the whole time – you can ask him.”

Mike Ashley states Newcastle “still for sale”
Uncategorized

Mike Ashley’s Newcastle ‘still for sale’ – but he will retain club’s soul indefinitely

Successful businessman and greedy bastard Mike Ashley says Newcastle United is still up for sale – but that he will probably never return its soul.

The Londoner, who stores the club’s spirit with those of his 30,000 Sports Direct employees in Big Yellow Self Storage Edmonton, wants to sever all physical ties with The Magpies.

This will be especially irrelevant news to Amanda Staveley, who maintains a keen faux-interest in the club.

In a recent interview with High Sports, Ashley acknowledged that a deal with any potential investor could be jeopardised “if the waiter leaves.”

He said, “The people of Newcastle will never truly be rid of me. The latest technology shows they call me ‘Fat Cockney Bastard’ or ‘Fat Controller’ around 1,200 times a day online.

“It’s actually really upsetting.”

Rio Ferdinand: Boxing licence refused
Uncategorized

Rio Ferdinand: Boxing licence refused after ex-footballer tests positive for bravado

The British Boxing Board of Control (BBBofC) have refused ex-Man United defender Rio Ferdinand a professional boxing license after he tested positive for bravado.

The six-time Premier League winner, 39, holds a cushy post with BT Sport, regularly tearing into underperforming rear guards.

But despite announcing his pro boxing career in 2017, Ferdinand won’t penetrate an opponent’s defence or enter the ring anytime soon.

Speaking to Sport 2Day, the former England international said, “It’s with a heavy heart I have to hang my gloves up – despite never really getting them on.”

Switching to third person for no apparent reason, he continued: “Rio knows for a fact that he would have competed for titles – like he’s always done.”

Ferdinand bows out with a record of 0-0-0, finishing his career a sole place above Amir Khan in the pound-for-pound rankings.

Uncategorized

Liverpool and Roma fans agree to epic Colosseum showdown

Hundreds of Liverpool and Roma fans are marching towards the great Colosseum in order to settle their differences honourably.

The move came amid calls for peace from the cities’ mayors: a late bid to keep violence off the historically peaceful streets of Rome.

One eyewitness, who wished to remain unnamed, was shocked by the scenes.

Speaking to Mark Knight of the CBB, he said, “There must have been a hundred Liverpool fans dressed like Russell Crowe in Gladiator.

“I never knew the Romans wore socks with sandals.”

The showdown, which will commence shortly, is expected to incorporate elements of poetry, boxing, and interpretive dance.

More to follow.