Vladimir Putin
World Cup

Russian football team literally playing for their lives

Vladimir Putin has been pleasantly surprised by the effectiveness of his threat to the Russian national team, who are literally playing for their lives at the 2018 World Cup.

The Russian president is known for his no-nonsense approach – from assassinating his critics to meddling in presidential elections.

And it’s one he has now taken with his own countrymen, as he looks to ensure Russia don’t fall short on football’s biggest stage.

Prior to the tournament, he told the players they would simply ‘disappear’ in Siberia should they fail to make it out the group – and it couldn’t have been more effective, with Russia winning their first two matches and scoring eight goals.

He said: “I am pleasantly surprised by this method’s results. Siberian wilderness is really not so bad. Nice temperature, many bears – a beautiful part of the fatherland.

“Perhaps I will send them anyway.”

World Cup

Man believes shouting at TV made England play better

A football fan from Portsmouth genuinely believes he played a part in England’s win over Tunisia – despite his input amounting to getting pissed and shouting at a TV.

33-year-old Mark Davis was one of The White Stag’s biggest voices on Monday night, spending 90 minutes yelling at players, criticising match officials and starting impressively short-lived chants.

However, because of science the players couldn’t hear the superfan – no matter how loud he bellowed. He was not deterred though, much to the relief of others punters who were in awe of his passion.

The chunky recruitment consultant, who never played the game at any level, was perfectly placed to pass judgement on everything from tactics to refereeing decisions and is now taking full credit for the Three Lions’ victory.

Whether he can replicate his impact during England’s next game remains to be seen.

Neymar and his new haircut
World Cup

Which World Cup 2018 star are you?

You already know you’re a loaf of sourdough, but which World Cup star would you be if you weren’t a talentless nobody?

Do you have a dodgy haircut and make yourself the centre of attention at every opportunity? Do you simply love going down? Nice one, stud – you’re NEYMAR!

Are you a brute with a short temper working in construction? Do you communicate mainly in grunts and headlocks? Well that’s just swell beefcake, you’re ALEKSANDAR MITROVIC!

Would your city centre workplace go to shit without you? Are you the leader of your much uglier and generally inferior friends? Damn, high flyer – you’re CRISTIANO RONALDO!

Are you ‘alright’ when people get to know you? Do you look haggard despite not even reaching 30? Well you might want to stop being such a bastard, because you’re that man DIEGO COSTA!

Did you grow up on a council estate but make a damn fine career for yourself? Do you love throwing parties, smoking Lamberts and sinking WKDs? Great news, diamond geezer – you’re JAMIE VARDY!

Joachim Low
World Cup

Joachim Löw: ‘This is what happens without my lucky balls’

Germany boss Joachim Löw believes his side’s failure against Mexico can be put down to him not rubbing his lucky balls.

The pair, which he stores away from prying eyes, brought him a lot of joy during Brazil 2014, where Argentina witnessed him come good in the final.

But Löw’s men lacked spunk against the Mexicans on Sunday, and despite edging close at times, just couldn’t make it past the finish line.

Speaking on his frustration, the hands-on coach said: “After Brazil, my lucky balls were ridiculed by the entire world.

“Viewers called me ‘disgusting’ and made my life hell. This discouraged me – but at what cost to my country?

“Rest assured, against Sweden I’ll be rubbing the meatballs. In fact, I’ll be scratching my lucky armpits and picking my lucky nose, too.”

Earth
World Cup

Try as it might, world just can’t get excited for Russia v Saudi Arabia

World Cup fever has gripped football fans around the globe, but try as they might, people just can’t seem to get up for Russia v Saudi Arabia.

Not only are the countries two of the worst footballing sides at the tournament – they also have questionable political agendas making them somewhat hard to love. Especially if you’re gay.

Both nations have fancy pants alphabets too, which, while excusable for a country from the Middle East, is just bang out of order on Russia’s part.

Regardless, every fan with TV access will stop to take in all the glorious action for 90-plus minutes, as 22 sweaty, virile men chase a bag of air around a meadow wearing nothing but teeny weeny shorts. (No homo.)

And excited or not, it’s going to be bloody glorious.

Sam Allardyce
Uncategorized, World Cup

Big Sam warns ‘keener’ Southgate not to do anything silly at World Cup – like succeed

Ex-England manager Sam Allardyce has warned “keener” Gareth Southgate not to make him jealous by succeeding at the World Cup – or there will be consequences.

Allardyce signed a two-year deal with the Three Lions in 2016 but threw it away by trying to earn a little extra cash on the side.

By fiddling transfers.

For wealthy Arabs.

Who were actually just a shit newspaper.

Despite his farcical exit, the crook-for-hire is in a league of his own when it comes to statistics, boasting a 100% win rate as England boss.

Allardyce feels this is evidence enough that it is he who should be leading England into the World Cup – not the likeable but undeniably square Southgate.

He said: “I’ll make no bones about it – I’m jealous. I should be holding little Trent to my bosom, not that fucking keener.

“I’ve had a quiet word with Gareth and he knows there’ll be consequences if he takes my boys all the way. I’m as big an England fan as anyone, believe me, but if it’s a tossup between a first World Cup since ’66 and my pride? Well, you know the score.”

Fred and the gang
Man Utd, Premier League

Fred lured to Old Trafford by promise of prehistoric football

Fred has agreed to join Manchester United following a meeting with Jose Mourinho, who promised he’d feel ‘right at home’ with the side’s prehistoric brand of football.

The much-loved caveman will swap charming Bedrock for the northwest of England, where he hilariously assumed his family would enjoy a greater quality of life.

Not only will he have to ditch great big juicy dinosaur ribs for chicken tikka, he’ll also have to meet Phil Jones – a man whose genetic makeup pales in comparison to his own.

Speaking on the move, Fred yelled: “Me and Jose went bowling at the Trafford Centre and talked everything through.

“He said something about a ‘big club’, which sounded good to me as mine’s pretty worn out from whacking things.

“Now I just need to break the news to the missus – Yabba Dabba Doo!”