England fan wakes from dream
World Cup

England fan wakes from the most wonderful dream

An Englishman this morning woke from the most remarkable dream, wherein Germany finished bottom of their group, England won a penalty shootout and summer was actually hot.

52-year-old Jeff Bloom, who has known years consisting only of hurt, was devastated when he woke on the morning of June 14.

Recalling the dream with a grin, he said: “It really was the craziest, stupidest, most wonderful dream.

“The little teams spanked the big ones and Germany were a laughing stock after finishing bottom of their group.

“We won our first game in the last minute, our second by six goals to one and – get this – progressed to the quarters after a penalty shootout.

“Realising the winner takes it all, we then mashed the Swedes without breaking a sweat!

“That’s when we fell in love with Gareth Southgate, who wasn’t just the nation’s favourite son, but its most stylish too – the David Beckham of football management.

“By this point it was 30 degrees, Alan Shearer was singing Lionel Richie into a bread stick and Ross Kemp wasn’t on gangs anymore, but class-A drugs. It was actually quite unsettling.”

Man working on Southgate effigy
World Cup

Man sets to work on Gareth Southgate effigy

A Birmingham-based England fan has begun work on his Gareth Southgate effigy following England’s defeat to Belgium on Thursday night.

Mark Davis, 36, felt Southgate should have gone for the jugular instead of making wholesale changes to his side, believing England have now “lost momentum”.

As recently as Sunday he suggested Southgate should be knighted after England’s 6-1 dismantling of Panama. He has also been impressed with the way the manager has “handled the media”, “unified the dressing room” and other such soundbites.

But the loss to Belgium left a sour taste, and it wasn’t long before work began on a highly flammable Southgate effigy.

He said: “I’m absolutely fuming. Football was coming home until that knob left King Harry on the bench.

“If we lose to Colombia he needs to take a long, hard look at himself. There will only be one man to blame.

“If we beat Colombia, he should have the freedom of England.”

“Whatever happens, you can guarantee my emotions will be blown completely out of proportion.”

World Cup

Man believes shouting at TV made England play better

A football fan from Portsmouth genuinely believes he played a part in England’s win over Tunisia – despite his input amounting to getting pissed and shouting at a TV.

33-year-old Mark Davis was one of The White Stag’s biggest voices on Monday night, spending 90 minutes yelling at players, criticising match officials and starting impressively short-lived chants.

However, because of science the players couldn’t hear the superfan – no matter how loud he bellowed. He was not deterred though, much to the relief of others punters who were in awe of his passion.

The chunky recruitment consultant, who never played the game at any level, was perfectly placed to pass judgement on everything from tactics to refereeing decisions and is now taking full credit for the Three Lions’ victory.

Whether he can replicate his impact during England’s next game remains to be seen.

Sam Allardyce
Uncategorized, World Cup

Big Sam warns ‘keener’ Southgate not to do anything silly at World Cup – like succeed

Ex-England manager Sam Allardyce has warned “keener” Gareth Southgate not to make him jealous by succeeding at the World Cup – or there will be consequences.

Allardyce signed a two-year deal with the Three Lions in 2016 but threw it away by trying to earn a little extra cash on the side.

By fiddling transfers.

For wealthy Arabs.

Who were actually just a shit newspaper.

Despite his farcical exit, the crook-for-hire is in a league of his own when it comes to statistics, boasting a 100% win rate as England boss.

Allardyce feels this is evidence enough that it is he who should be leading England into the World Cup – not the likeable but undeniably square Southgate.

He said: “I’ll make no bones about it – I’m jealous. I should be holding little Trent to my bosom, not that fucking keener.

“I’ve had a quiet word with Gareth and he knows there’ll be consequences if he takes my boys all the way. I’m as big an England fan as anyone, believe me, but if it’s a tossup between a first World Cup since ’66 and my pride? Well, you know the score.”

Phil Jones' funny faces
Man Utd, Premier League, World Cup

Phil Jones baffled by Phil Jones’ inclusion in England World Cup squad

Manchester United bulldozer Phil Jones says even he cannot make a case for Phil Jones going to the World Cup.

After an erratic display against Chelsea in the FA Cup final on Saturday, pundits and fans alike were left shaken knowing Jones is on the plane to Russia.

His erratic performance was summed up by a first-half demolition job on Eden Hazard, who, knowing the oaf’s immense clumsiness, waited to be scythed down after going through one-on-one with David de Gea.

Jones took the bait, giving Hazard a good wallop after a trademark gurn failed to frighten the Belgian into submission.

When The Post quizzed Southgate on his selection of Jones, he said: “My self-esteem is pretty low, so Jamaal Lascelles was always going to be a hunk too far.

“Jones? He has a face only a mother could love – and that gives us balance.”

Gareth Southgate sad
World Cup

£2m-a-year Southgate devastated that plumber doesn’t rate his squad

England manager Gareth Southgate is deeply hurt that a Wigan plumber doesn’t rate his World Cup squad, it has emerged.

The experienced coach and former England international, who earns 2 million pounds a year, has refused to face the media since Twitter user @Liveformyfam branded him “clueless”.

The outspoken culprit doesn’t have a background in football, but he does have his City & Guilds Plumbing and Domestic Heating certificate, which is notoriously difficult to attain.

According to Southgate’s wife Alison, the ex-defender has locked himself in their third bedroom and is refusing to come out.

Speaking to Sport2Day she said, “I know he’s in there because he won’t stop sobbing. Every time he blows his gigantic nose the whole house shakes – the kids are terrified.

“If he’d just taken a punt on that bald twat Shelvey, none of this would have happened.”

David Baddiel and Frank Skinner
World Cup

Baddiel delighted to be relevant again – even if only for a month

Frank Skinner’s speccy apprentice David Baddiel has admitted his delight at finding relevance again – even if it only lasts a month.

At present the ageing star is – like you – very much a nobody, having used up all his good material by the end of 2005.

However, the arrival of another World Cup also means England’s second-best football song, Three Lions, soundtracking the next month of your life. (Yes, second best – have you heard John Barnes rap?)

Speaking to High Sports, the failing comic said, “It’s great to be somebody again – even if only for a few blissful weeks.

“That song… it’s the gift that just keeps on giving. No matter how low I sink – and believe me when I say things aren’t ideal – Three Lions always drags me back to the fore.

“Baddiel never dies, baby!”