England fan wakes from dream
World Cup

England fan wakes from the most wonderful dream

An Englishman this morning woke from the most remarkable dream, wherein Germany finished bottom of their group, England won a penalty shootout and summer was actually hot.

52-year-old Jeff Bloom, who has known years consisting only of hurt, was devastated when he woke on the morning of June 14.

Recalling the dream with a grin, he said: “It really was the craziest, stupidest, most wonderful dream.

“The little teams spanked the big ones and Germany were a laughing stock after finishing bottom of their group.

“We won our first game in the last minute, our second by six goals to one and – get this – progressed to the quarters after a penalty shootout.

“Realising the winner takes it all, we then mashed the Swedes without breaking a sweat!

“That’s when we fell in love with Gareth Southgate, who wasn’t just the nation’s favourite son, but its most stylish too – the David Beckham of football management.

“By this point it was 30 degrees, Alan Shearer was singing Lionel Richie into a bread stick and Ross Kemp wasn’t on gangs anymore, but class-A drugs. It was actually quite unsettling.”

Man working on Southgate effigy
World Cup

Man sets to work on Gareth Southgate effigy

A Birmingham-based England fan has begun work on his Gareth Southgate effigy following England’s defeat to Belgium on Thursday night.

Mark Davis, 36, felt Southgate should have gone for the jugular instead of making wholesale changes to his side, believing England have now “lost momentum”.

As recently as Sunday he suggested Southgate should be knighted after England’s 6-1 dismantling of Panama. He has also been impressed with the way the manager has “handled the media”, “unified the dressing room” and other such soundbites.

But the loss to Belgium left a sour taste, and it wasn’t long before work began on a highly flammable Southgate effigy.

He said: “I’m absolutely fuming. Football was coming home until that knob left King Harry on the bench.

“If we lose to Colombia he needs to take a long, hard look at himself. There will only be one man to blame.

“If we beat Colombia, he should have the freedom of England.”

“Whatever happens, you can guarantee my emotions will be blown completely out of proportion.”

Sam Allardyce
Uncategorized, World Cup

Big Sam warns ‘keener’ Southgate not to do anything silly at World Cup – like succeed

Ex-England manager Sam Allardyce has warned “keener” Gareth Southgate not to make him jealous by succeeding at the World Cup – or there will be consequences.

Allardyce signed a two-year deal with the Three Lions in 2016 but threw it away by trying to earn a little extra cash on the side.

By fiddling transfers.

For wealthy Arabs.

Who were actually just a shit newspaper.

Despite his farcical exit, the crook-for-hire is in a league of his own when it comes to statistics, boasting a 100% win rate as England boss.

Allardyce feels this is evidence enough that it is he who should be leading England into the World Cup – not the likeable but undeniably square Southgate.

He said: “I’ll make no bones about it – I’m jealous. I should be holding little Trent to my bosom, not that fucking keener.

“I’ve had a quiet word with Gareth and he knows there’ll be consequences if he takes my boys all the way. I’m as big an England fan as anyone, believe me, but if it’s a tossup between a first World Cup since ’66 and my pride? Well, you know the score.”

Gareth Southgate sad
World Cup

£2m-a-year Southgate devastated that plumber doesn’t rate his squad

England manager Gareth Southgate is deeply hurt that a Wigan plumber doesn’t rate his World Cup squad, it has emerged.

The experienced coach and former England international, who earns 2 million pounds a year, has refused to face the media since Twitter user @Liveformyfam branded him “clueless”.

The outspoken culprit doesn’t have a background in football, but he does have his City & Guilds Plumbing and Domestic Heating certificate, which is notoriously difficult to attain.

According to Southgate’s wife Alison, the ex-defender has locked himself in their third bedroom and is refusing to come out.

Speaking to Sport2Day she said, “I know he’s in there because he won’t stop sobbing. Every time he blows his gigantic nose the whole house shakes – the kids are terrified.

“If he’d just taken a punt on that bald twat Shelvey, none of this would have happened.”


‘Baldy twat’ has no chance of making World Cup, says Southgate

Gareth Southgate has ignored calls for in-form Newcastle midfielder Jonjo Shelvey to make England’s World Cup squad, owing to the fact he’s a ‘baldy twat’.

Speaking to General Sport’s Tom Franklin, the England boss said: “He’s probably our best passer of the ball – wand of a right foot. Unfortunately though, his reputation precedes him.

“Let me make this abundantly clear: only consummate professionals will be considered for this tournament.”

Drug lord Jake Livermore is favourite to fill the void left by Kieran Gibbs, who was injured playing against Roma in the Champions League last week. Arsenal’s box-to-box smoker Jack Wilshere is also thought to be in the running – should the running not prove too much for his failing body.

It’s thought Southgate lost faith in Shelvey following an early season stamp on Spurs’ Dele Alli – though splitting his soul in seven was also deemed “unprofessional”.