World Cup

Future tournaments cancelled after World Cup 2018 reaches footballing enlightenment

FIFA has opted to discontinue the World Cup, following the unprecedented and unbeatable excitement thrown up by Russia 2018.

Over the past two weeks, fully-grown men have been brought to tears by last-minute free-kicks, God-tier half-volleys, nerve-wracking penalty shootouts and a plethora of giant killings.

There has been no sign of those pesky Russian Ultras, either – something for which Vladimir Putin must take great credit (even if he did have to take make decisions that weren’t always…ethical).

And let’s not start on that brilliant bastard VAR: the most infuriating yet entertaining bit of kit since Hasbro’s Bop It Extreme 2.

Shedding light on the decision to scrap future World Cups, a FIFA spokesman said: “Well, it can’t get better than this, can it?

“We were tempted to call it a day as soon as that sweet first tear rolled down Sergio Ramos’ face, but the rest of this beautiful tournament will go ahead as planned.

“For those who, come mid-July, cannot face the reality of life without Russia 2018, we are working on a number of global support groups.

“Alternatively, we suggest buying the official VR experience and simply wasting away in the warm glow of international soccer.”

Vladimir Putin
World Cup

Russian football team literally playing for their lives

Vladimir Putin has been pleasantly surprised by the effectiveness of his threat to the Russian national team, who are literally playing for their lives at the 2018 World Cup.

The Russian president is known for his no-nonsense approach – from assassinating his critics to meddling in presidential elections.

And it’s one he has now taken with his own countrymen, as he looks to ensure Russia don’t fall short on football’s biggest stage.

Prior to the tournament, he told the players they would simply ‘disappear’ in Siberia should they fail to make it out the group – and it couldn’t have been more effective, with Russia winning their first two matches and scoring eight goals.

He said: “I am pleasantly surprised by this method’s results. Siberian wilderness is really not so bad. Nice temperature, many bears – a beautiful part of the fatherland.

“Perhaps I will send them anyway.”

Earth
World Cup

Try as it might, world just can’t get excited for Russia v Saudi Arabia

World Cup fever has gripped football fans around the globe, but try as they might, people just can’t seem to get up for Russia v Saudi Arabia.

Not only are the countries two of the worst footballing sides at the tournament – they also have questionable political agendas making them somewhat hard to love. Especially if you’re gay.

Both nations have fancy pants alphabets too, which, while excusable for a country from the Middle East, is just bang out of order on Russia’s part.

Regardless, every fan with TV access will stop to take in all the glorious action for 90-plus minutes, as 22 sweaty, virile men chase a bag of air around a meadow wearing nothing but teeny weeny shorts. (No homo.)

And excited or not, it’s going to be bloody glorious.