England fan wakes from dream
World Cup

England fan wakes from the most wonderful dream

An Englishman this morning woke from the most remarkable dream, wherein Germany finished bottom of their group, England won a penalty shootout and summer was actually hot.

52-year-old Jeff Bloom, who has known years consisting only of hurt, was devastated when he woke on the morning of June 14.

Recalling the dream with a grin, he said: “It really was the craziest, stupidest, most wonderful dream.

“The little teams spanked the big ones and Germany were a laughing stock after finishing bottom of their group.

“We won our first game in the last minute, our second by six goals to one and – get this – progressed to the quarters after a penalty shootout.

“Realising the winner takes it all, we then mashed the Swedes without breaking a sweat!

“That’s when we fell in love with Gareth Southgate, who wasn’t just the nation’s favourite son, but its most stylish too – the David Beckham of football management.

“By this point it was 30 degrees, Alan Shearer was singing Lionel Richie into a bread stick and Ross Kemp wasn’t on gangs anymore, but class-A drugs. It was actually quite unsettling.”