An Englishman this morning woke from the most remarkable dream, wherein Germany finished bottom of their group, England won a penalty shootout and summer was actually hot.
52-year-old Jeff Bloom, who has known years consisting only of hurt, was devastated when he woke on the morning of June 14.
Recalling the dream with a grin, he said: “It really was the craziest, stupidest, most wonderful dream.
“The little teams spanked the big ones and Germany were a laughing stock after finishing bottom of their group.
“We won our first game in the last minute, our second by six goals to one and – get this – progressed to the quarters after a penalty shootout.
“Realising the winner takes it all, we then mashed the Swedes without breaking a sweat!
“That’s when we fell in love with Gareth Southgate, who wasn’t just the nation’s favourite son, but its most stylish too – the David Beckham of football management.
“By this point it was 30 degrees, Alan Shearer was singing Lionel Richie into a bread stick and Ross Kemp wasn’t on gangs anymore, but class-A drugs. It was actually quite unsettling.”