Sad England fan
World Cup

Normal life has resumed – and it really is quite shit

After a glorious month of beer, barbecues and exceptional football, normal life has resumed – and it really is quite shit.

Just two weeks ago you were piling your Tesco trolley high with beer, burgers and England-themed bunting. But now the dream is up – and life wants its bitch back.

Being hungover at work is frowned upon once more. It’s unacceptable to be pissed at 4pm on a Tuesday. There are no longer three matches a day.

And your other half wants to…talk.

But as you trudge through the banality of a football-less few weeks, fear not brave soldier – a new dawn beckons. It’s name? The Community Shield.

World Cup

Future tournaments cancelled after World Cup 2018 reaches footballing enlightenment

FIFA has opted to discontinue the World Cup, following the unprecedented and unbeatable excitement thrown up by Russia 2018.

Over the past two weeks, fully-grown men have been brought to tears by last-minute free-kicks, God-tier half-volleys, nerve-wracking penalty shootouts and a plethora of giant killings.

There has been no sign of those pesky Russian Ultras, either – something for which Vladimir Putin must take great credit (even if he did have to take make decisions that weren’t always…ethical).

And let’s not start on that brilliant bastard VAR: the most infuriating yet entertaining bit of kit since Hasbro’s Bop It Extreme 2.

Shedding light on the decision to scrap future World Cups, a FIFA spokesman said: “Well, it can’t get better than this, can it?

“We were tempted to call it a day as soon as that sweet first tear rolled down Sergio Ramos’ face, but the rest of this beautiful tournament will go ahead as planned.

“For those who, come mid-July, cannot face the reality of life without Russia 2018, we are working on a number of global support groups.

“Alternatively, we suggest buying the official VR experience and simply wasting away in the warm glow of international soccer.”