A fat office worker
World Cup

Bloke who can’t touch his toes slams Raheem Sterling’s World Cup performance

A 45-year-old man who doesn’t possess the flexibility required to touch his toes has torn into Raheem Sterling’s World Cup performance.

Dave Best, an IT specialist from Swindon, spent Thursday criticising the athlete to his colleagues – despite breaking a sweat from merely sitting down.

Cornering Barbara from accounts in the kitchen, he said: “That Raheem Sterling just didn’t look fit to me. Either that or he’s lazy.

“He’s alright when he’s got the likes of Kevin De Bruyne and David Silva behind him – but I’d look good with those boys as well.

“He was crap all tournament. Why the hell did Southgate stick with him? He’s been dreadful for England – couldn’t score in a brothel.”

Barbara said: “who’s Ray Starling?”

England fan wakes from dream
World Cup

England fan wakes from the most wonderful dream

An Englishman this morning woke from the most remarkable dream, wherein Germany finished bottom of their group, England won a penalty shootout and summer was actually hot.

52-year-old Jeff Bloom, who has known years consisting only of hurt, was devastated when he woke on the morning of June 14.

Recalling the dream with a grin, he said: “It really was the craziest, stupidest, most wonderful dream.

“The little teams spanked the big ones and Germany were a laughing stock after finishing bottom of their group.

“We won our first game in the last minute, our second by six goals to one and – get this – progressed to the quarters after a penalty shootout.

“Realising the winner takes it all, we then mashed the Swedes without breaking a sweat!

“That’s when we fell in love with Gareth Southgate, who wasn’t just the nation’s favourite son, but its most stylish too – the David Beckham of football management.

“By this point it was 30 degrees, Alan Shearer was singing Lionel Richie into a bread stick and Ross Kemp wasn’t on gangs anymore, but class-A drugs. It was actually quite unsettling.”

Lord Alan Sugar and the Senegal team
World Cup

Lord Sugar regrets testing joke on Prince Philip

Lord Alan Sugar regrets using Prince Philip to gauge the quality of his joke, whereby he compared elite Senegalese athletes to Marbella tat salesmen based on the premise they’re both black.

Initially, the businessman wasn’t 100% sure that sharing his joke with Twitter, and in turn the whole world, was a good idea.

But after firing up WhatsApp and sending it to Prince Philip – who claimed it was the funniest thing he’d seen since Prince Harry’s Nazi costume – Lord Sugar was convinced.

He said: “I figured that if Prince Philip – one of the most professional and straight-laced people in the country – thought it in good taste, it couldn’t possibly be offensive. But it turns out I was wrong.

“The main thing I want people to know is, I’m definitely not racist.

“I have Jewish heritage, you know. And we had a lady called Yasmina Siadatan win season five of The Apprentice. Yasmina Siadatan!”

Vladimir Putin
World Cup

Russian football team literally playing for their lives

Vladimir Putin has been pleasantly surprised by the effectiveness of his threat to the Russian national team, who are literally playing for their lives at the 2018 World Cup.

The Russian president is known for his no-nonsense approach – from assassinating his critics to meddling in presidential elections.

And it’s one he has now taken with his own countrymen, as he looks to ensure Russia don’t fall short on football’s biggest stage.

Prior to the tournament, he told the players they would simply ‘disappear’ in Siberia should they fail to make it out the group – and it couldn’t have been more effective, with Russia winning their first two matches and scoring eight goals.

He said: “I am pleasantly surprised by this method’s results. Siberian wilderness is really not so bad. Nice temperature, many bears – a beautiful part of the fatherland.

“Perhaps I will send them anyway.”

World Cup

Man believes shouting at TV made England play better

A football fan from Portsmouth genuinely believes he played a part in England’s win over Tunisia – despite his input amounting to getting pissed and shouting at a TV.

33-year-old Mark Davis was one of The White Stag’s biggest voices on Monday night, spending 90 minutes yelling at players, criticising match officials and starting impressively short-lived chants.

However, because of science the players couldn’t hear the superfan – no matter how loud he bellowed. He was not deterred though, much to the relief of others punters who were in awe of his passion.

The chunky recruitment consultant, who never played the game at any level, was perfectly placed to pass judgement on everything from tactics to refereeing decisions and is now taking full credit for the Three Lions’ victory.

Whether he can replicate his impact during England’s next game remains to be seen.

Neymar and his new haircut
World Cup

Which World Cup 2018 star are you?

You already know you’re a loaf of sourdough, but which World Cup star would you be if you weren’t a talentless nobody?

Do you have a dodgy haircut and make yourself the centre of attention at every opportunity? Do you simply love going down? Nice one, stud – you’re NEYMAR!

Are you a brute with a short temper working in construction? Do you communicate mainly in grunts and headlocks? Well that’s just swell beefcake, you’re ALEKSANDAR MITROVIC!

Would your city centre workplace go to shit without you? Are you the leader of your much uglier and generally inferior friends? Damn, high flyer – you’re CRISTIANO RONALDO!

Are you ‘alright’ when people get to know you? Do you look haggard despite not even reaching 30? Well you might want to stop being such a bastard, because you’re that man DIEGO COSTA!

Did you grow up on a council estate but make a damn fine career for yourself? Do you love throwing parties, smoking Lamberts and sinking WKDs? Great news, diamond geezer – you’re JAMIE VARDY!

Joachim Low
World Cup

Joachim Löw: ‘This is what happens without my lucky balls’

Germany boss Joachim Löw believes his side’s failure against Mexico can be put down to him not rubbing his lucky balls.

The pair, which he stores away from prying eyes, brought him a lot of joy during Brazil 2014, where Argentina witnessed him come good in the final.

But Löw’s men lacked spunk against the Mexicans on Sunday, and despite edging close at times, just couldn’t make it past the finish line.

Speaking on his frustration, the hands-on coach said: “After Brazil, my lucky balls were ridiculed by the entire world.

“Viewers called me ‘disgusting’ and made my life hell. This discouraged me – but at what cost to my country?

“Rest assured, against Sweden I’ll be rubbing the meatballs. In fact, I’ll be scratching my lucky armpits and picking my lucky nose, too.”